Hello,

This Friday’s post arrives to you off the back of an important decision. Only yesterday did I decide that Crushball can and will be upping the anti by providing content every Friday, as opposed to the second and last Friday of every month. Where reliable scheduling on this site has fallen to the wayside in the past— with posts arriving if and when, I am pleased to say that I have ascended to a dizzying height in my competency. This decision to sow into consistency however has only been made possible because I am feeling more like myself as of late, a feeling that I believe has no choice but to continue on until the end of time. The word ‘again’ has purposely been omitted from the statement ‘I feel like myself’.

I have never before ‘felt like myself’, which may seem like a very stupid concept, ill-thought, inexact. You may think that it is impossible to have never known what it feels like to ‘feel like yourself’, especially in my case, which is 20+ years old. But I am here today to sell you on the fact that you cannot know yourself thoroughly enough to form a true sense of identity until a turning point has been made.

To clarify, I have known who I am for a long time. I know my likes and dislikes, I am well at home in my characteristics— my perceptions, and the very specific impact events both inside and outside of my life have on me. I can well predict how I tend to handle things. But this is not what I’m getting at. I am, we are ever-changing. Different seasons in life find us at different stages, and therefore, as different versions of what has already been established. But how do we find the ‘right’ version, especially if we’ve never before come across that version of ourselves that just feels right? How do we come to a place where we can understand the feeling of ‘I feel like myself’— not ‘again’, but rather, ‘finally’

I have started waking up earlier. This is something that I never before considered doing, because I never before thought myself capable of waking up earlier than 11am on any given day, regardless of that day’s obligations. I’ve lived a life of jampacking, spent perhaps a full year of it staring into space, glazed over by my inadequacies. However, now that I have been getting up at 7-8am for nearing a month now, the discipline of it has allowed for me to ‘come to myself’. I inevitably have more time to do the things I’ve long known I need to do, but with the sharpness of an early riser.

This simple act of having more time in a day has created space for me to find myself, to be all of the things I find. What I mean by that is, I am now tapping into my potential as a person. I am doing things I’ve always wanted to do but have never been capable of doing with a consistency that changes the coding behind who I am. I am writing more frequently, which has changed my perception of writing, it’s perceived difficulty, and, well, how good I am at it. I’ve been able to hone my consistency with my attendance to the gym, changing it from an ‘if’ to a ‘when’. I have even established a side hobby with the stability that a side hobby needs to grow— vlogging. And, everyday, God sees enough of me to supplement these aspirations. So, with all of these things— things I have long attached to my definition of self, yet, have never leaned into enough for them to incumber who I truly am, I have finally met Abigail (me).

This— this person who knows what is required of her and wakes early to meet said requirements, is who I am. I can say this freely, because I can see that these actions, through all of the seasons that are yet to come, will persist, cannot be removed by a change in environment, job, the establishing of new relationships, new likes, new dislikes. Consistency— consistent organisation is a solid pillar in my perception of self. And, it’s all very fun to me. Therefore, I am now ‘feeling like myself’, have inaugurated a way of being that I can return to if I ever stray, meaning I could then say ‘feeling like myself again’ after a long time away— if there ever was a ‘long time away’ in future.

There’s a pulling on your spirit, a persistent, annoying voice planting the will to commit to an action that will become a turning point for you. And you will not know that thing you know you need to do is the thing that will change it all. That is how to ‘feel like yourself’, not again, but rather ‘like never before’— when you do that one hard thing you deem yourself incapable of doing. We all have that thing, those things. Your body and your mind, who are somewhat comfortable with how things have always been, may have you in a comatose state. You may be telling yourself that you do not know what that thing is, what those things are. But you do know. No, you have never felt like yourself before. If you are not reaching your potential, then you do not yet know who you are.